Thursday, June 20, 2013

Twinkling in the Midnight Blue(s)



That flicker in the
spaces between quivered breaths
calls to me on quilted nights.

Like stars collected
in a jar of lidless hopes,
each dark sky births want of you.



© 2013 Jennifer Wagner


This is my attempt at a Sedoka for dVerse Form for All:  The Princess’ Poem to her Secret Love.  Poet and host Samuel Peralta has invited us to try this rare form of unrhymed Japanese poetry consisting of two tercets with a scheme of 5-7-7 and 5-7-7 syllables.

25 comments:

  1. Love the qu words you inserted here: such good combinations.
    lidless jar: does that mean the hopes can get in are unfulfilled or the opposite?

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  2. Alliterations work so great in the first stanza and a jar of lidless hopes is a great phrase. Love what you do with the form..

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  3. I like that flickering space & breath ~ Great imagery in the second stanza, stars in a jar/dark sky birthing ~

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  4. oo i like the jar of stars & lidless hopes....and how you give that even more feeling in the last line....very nicely done to form...

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  5. "That flicker in the
    spaces between quivered breaths
    calls to me on quilted nights." deliciously poetic !!
    Then it gets even better in the second stanza with fabulous ending, awesome !!

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  6. I do like those quilted nights... sweet dreams

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  7. Beautifully written.

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  8. Like stars collected
    in a jar of lidless hopes,
    each dark sky births want of you


    Love these lines...felt.

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  9. This is just perfect, Jennifer. A keeper, for sure.

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  10. Oh wow, that last line is almost, almost perfect - on a musical, linguistic and thematic basis, I'd change "each" to "the" (yes, I am obsessive about the 'perfect' word) - so perfect that I felt a great desire to steal it!

    What a wonderful theme of longing, presaged from the title, through the hesitant first verse, to the declaration of the second verse and that wonderful conclusion of the darkness that "births want of you". Gorgeous!

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  11. You take me to unexpected places, in a way that I love. :)

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  12. A gorgeous arrangement of words, especially the "jar of lidless hopes".

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  13. This was filled with imagery..I would like to have a lidless jar filled with stars..what a lovely thought.

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  14. Sigh.....This is a perfectly written poem of longing so true to the sedoka in form and in spirit! Loved this!Sedoka -A Summer Love Poem

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  15. I enjoyed this a lot. Very well done.
    Like stars collected
    in a jar of lidless hopes
    That's a great pair of lines there- very memorable. -Mike

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  16. "...a jar of lidless hopes," This is a great line. Wabisabipoet has it right. You've captured the true spirit here!

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  17. So much longing in this. Beautiful.

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  18. Such gorgeous writing Jennifer--I especially like the jar of lidless hopes--just beautiful!

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  19. These words
    __Belong to you;
    Slightly adjusted
    __To form haiku.

    Just an echo, to your fine thought. _m

    stars collection
    each dark sky's birth sends to you
    lidless jar of dreams

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  20. You always have one line that stands out so much. This time it was "a jar of lidless hopes". Beautiful.

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  21. oh...that last line..filled with such longing *sigh*
    just loved this, Jennifer~

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  22. Too good for words. I just gaze at the night sky and it brings a smile.

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Thank you for your thoughts!