That flicker
in the
spaces
between quivered breaths
calls to me
on quilted nights.
Like stars
collected
in a jar of
lidless hopes,
each dark
sky births want of you.
© 2013
Jennifer Wagner
This is my attempt at a Sedoka for dVerse Form for All: The Princess’ Poem to her Secret Love. Poet and host Samuel Peralta has invited us to try this rare form of unrhymed Japanese poetry consisting of two tercets with a scheme of 5-7-7 and 5-7-7 syllables.
Love the qu words you inserted here: such good combinations.
ReplyDeletelidless jar: does that mean the hopes can get in are unfulfilled or the opposite?
Lovely and very nicely done
ReplyDeleteAlliterations work so great in the first stanza and a jar of lidless hopes is a great phrase. Love what you do with the form..
ReplyDeleteBeautiful!
ReplyDeleteI like that flickering space & breath ~ Great imagery in the second stanza, stars in a jar/dark sky birthing ~
ReplyDeleteoo i like the jar of stars & lidless hopes....and how you give that even more feeling in the last line....very nicely done to form...
ReplyDeleteStriking... I just love this!!
ReplyDelete"That flicker in the
ReplyDeletespaces between quivered breaths
calls to me on quilted nights." deliciously poetic !!
Then it gets even better in the second stanza with fabulous ending, awesome !!
I do like those quilted nights... sweet dreams
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written.
ReplyDeleteLike stars collected
ReplyDeletein a jar of lidless hopes,
each dark sky births want of you
Love these lines...felt.
This is just perfect, Jennifer. A keeper, for sure.
ReplyDeleteOh wow, that last line is almost, almost perfect - on a musical, linguistic and thematic basis, I'd change "each" to "the" (yes, I am obsessive about the 'perfect' word) - so perfect that I felt a great desire to steal it!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful theme of longing, presaged from the title, through the hesitant first verse, to the declaration of the second verse and that wonderful conclusion of the darkness that "births want of you". Gorgeous!
You take me to unexpected places, in a way that I love. :)
ReplyDeleteA gorgeous arrangement of words, especially the "jar of lidless hopes".
ReplyDeleteThis was filled with imagery..I would like to have a lidless jar filled with stars..what a lovely thought.
ReplyDeleteSigh.....This is a perfectly written poem of longing so true to the sedoka in form and in spirit! Loved this!Sedoka -A Summer Love Poem
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this a lot. Very well done.
ReplyDeleteLike stars collected
in a jar of lidless hopes
That's a great pair of lines there- very memorable. -Mike
"...a jar of lidless hopes," This is a great line. Wabisabipoet has it right. You've captured the true spirit here!
ReplyDeleteSo much longing in this. Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteSuch gorgeous writing Jennifer--I especially like the jar of lidless hopes--just beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThese words
ReplyDelete__Belong to you;
Slightly adjusted
__To form haiku.
Just an echo, to your fine thought. _m
stars collection
each dark sky's birth sends to you
lidless jar of dreams
You always have one line that stands out so much. This time it was "a jar of lidless hopes". Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteoh...that last line..filled with such longing *sigh*
ReplyDeletejust loved this, Jennifer~
Too good for words. I just gaze at the night sky and it brings a smile.
ReplyDelete