Tuesday, November 3, 2015

After Suicide

He still goes over to his house,
sits in his room,
says a lifetime of goodbyes to ashes
--what's left
when the oxygen of hope thins,
choked out by the rasping fire-of-lies
believed at just-turned twenty.

Remembering often in stories,
as the living do
of the dead--
he laughs,
breaks, bitterly.

And when reads to me what he writes,
how it is to lose a brother,
memorializing what was,
he ends it
the only way he can.

You don’t know what you’ve done to me.

© 2015 Jennifer Wagner

At the end of August my son's best friend since he was 11 years old committed suicide at the age of 20. A crater-sized hole has been created, and though I know it is a pain that will remain for the rest of his life, I pray for it to lessen for him and for all those who loved Baily. He is greatly missed.


Janet Martin said...

Oh Jen, there are no words to spell this kind of sorrow; only lots of hugs and prayers for hope and healing to do their work!

This is a poem that heart-breakingly could get written for someone everyday.

Magyar said...

The sorrow touches those that he never knew... and we feel.
__A heartful verse, Jen; I offer my best wishes to you, and your son. _m

Wendy Bourke said...

This brought a tear ... painfully, profoundly sad. To lose a beloved one to suicide, is a lot to recover from - if indeed, one ever completely does. Though we all go on, after such a tragedy, as best we can. Often we go on - dazed and aching - one foot down and then the other ... and then, as time passes, at some point: we come to realize that we have gone on ... even if, initially, we questioned whether we ever could. My condolences.

grapeling said...

wishing peace for his family, your family, and the others he didn't know who yet loved him ~

brudberg said...

A suicide is both the most selfless and selfish act at the same time.. how to ever belief that you have run out of your options at the age of twenty.. a crater sized hole. There will always be a void afterwards.

Grace said...

This is so sad and heartbreaking ~ I can't imagine the emotional upheaval and I pray that peace and acceptance will eventually come ~

Jody Lee Collins said...

Jennifer, I'm tearing up as I read this....God bless you for wrapping a few words around such a gaping wound. Well done. ('pray for Jennifer W's son' is still stuck on a post it note at my desk...)

Audrey Howitt aka Divalounger said...

This is such a heart wrenching piece Jen--all peace to you and your family and to the family of the suicide victim

Justin Lamb said...

It's sad that a person can become so hopeless that he or she doesn't even realize what suicide will do to those left behind.

Susie Clevenger said...

This breaks my heart. i pray your son will find peace.

Susie Clevenger said...

This breaks my heart. i pray your son will find peace.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

"what's left when the oxygen of hope thins".......I dont think I have ever read suicide described more perfectly. A devastating loss for all involved. I'm so sorry, Jennifer. They dont know the pain they leave behind, they are just seeking an escape from their own. So sad.

janetld said...

This is quite powerful, chilling, and, yes, heartbreaking.
So sorry for this, for all affected, your son and family members and all others.

Tank said...

Such a tragedy, which you captured so well. I'm so glad Bud has a Mom like you...