Tuesday, November 3, 2015

After Suicide


He still goes over to his house,
sits in his room,
says a lifetime of goodbyes to ashes
--what's left
when the oxygen of hope thins,
choked out by the rasping fire-of-lies
believed at just-turned twenty.


Remembering often in stories,
as the living do
of the dead--
he laughs,
cries,
swears,
breaks, bitterly.


And when reads to me what he writes,
how it is to lose a brother,
memorializing what was,
he ends it
the only way he can.


You don’t know what you’ve done to me.



© 2015 Jennifer Wagner


At the end of August my son's best friend since he was 11 years old committed suicide at the age of 20. A crater-sized hole has been created, and though I know it is a pain that will remain for the rest of his life, I pray for it to lessen for him and for all those who loved Baily. He is greatly missed.

14 comments:

  1. Oh Jen, there are no words to spell this kind of sorrow; only lots of hugs and prayers for hope and healing to do their work!

    This is a poem that heart-breakingly could get written for someone everyday.

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  2. The sorrow touches those that he never knew... and we feel.
    __A heartful verse, Jen; I offer my best wishes to you, and your son. _m

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  3. This brought a tear ... painfully, profoundly sad. To lose a beloved one to suicide, is a lot to recover from - if indeed, one ever completely does. Though we all go on, after such a tragedy, as best we can. Often we go on - dazed and aching - one foot down and then the other ... and then, as time passes, at some point: we come to realize that we have gone on ... even if, initially, we questioned whether we ever could. My condolences.

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  4. wishing peace for his family, your family, and the others he didn't know who yet loved him ~

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  5. A suicide is both the most selfless and selfish act at the same time.. how to ever belief that you have run out of your options at the age of twenty.. a crater sized hole. There will always be a void afterwards.

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  6. This is so sad and heartbreaking ~ I can't imagine the emotional upheaval and I pray that peace and acceptance will eventually come ~

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  7. Jennifer, I'm tearing up as I read this....God bless you for wrapping a few words around such a gaping wound. Well done. ('pray for Jennifer W's son' is still stuck on a post it note at my desk...)

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  8. This is such a heart wrenching piece Jen--all peace to you and your family and to the family of the suicide victim

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  9. It's sad that a person can become so hopeless that he or she doesn't even realize what suicide will do to those left behind.

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  10. This breaks my heart. i pray your son will find peace.

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  11. This breaks my heart. i pray your son will find peace.

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  12. "what's left when the oxygen of hope thins".......I dont think I have ever read suicide described more perfectly. A devastating loss for all involved. I'm so sorry, Jennifer. They dont know the pain they leave behind, they are just seeking an escape from their own. So sad.

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  13. This is quite powerful, chilling, and, yes, heartbreaking.
    So sorry for this, for all affected, your son and family members and all others.

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  14. Such a tragedy, which you captured so well. I'm so glad Bud has a Mom like you...

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Thank you for your thoughts!